There’s trouble in the woods — and its name is squirrel

In the latest installment of "Off-Leash," Boulder the Dog looks at an historic rivalry.

A squirrel enjoys a rest from the doorway of his adopted home.

A squirrel enjoys a rest from the doorway of his adopted home.

Being what you humans call a good dog can be a struggle.  Though the advantages of domestication are undeniable, the inner turmoil between our learned behaviours and our primitive canine reflexes are a constant battle.  It is that most classic of conflicts: dog versus himself.

Now I know that hominids also deal with primitive urges that must be repressed in order to remain within the constrictive borders of decorum. For example, the fight or flight reflex was, once upon a time, a valuable tool for survival.  A man faced with a threat undergoes an instant hormonal transformation so that he might a) defeat his foe with physical violence, or b) take evasive measures by fleeing at speed.

Modern man has retained the reflex but now when faced with a threat— like say a closed door meeting with the boss to discuss his job performance, or lack there of— it is of little use.  Beating on your supervisor or running screaming from the room are no longer viable ways of dealing with the situation.  Thus the hormones released during the fight or flight reflex are not burned up by physical exertions but instead, begin to eat away at the human, consuming him from the inside out.  Modern man has a name for these pools of corrosive adrenaline — stress.

I too am tormented by repression and the caustic residue it spawns — I call it squirrel.

Now good dogs don’t chase squirrels.  They remain trotting right at their master’s heel and ignore the fluffy tailed little rodents, never allowing the predatory instincts of their inner wolf to come to the surface.

Well, gentle reader, let me tell you something, a leashed wolf is not a happy wolf.  And try as I might, sometimes the wolf breaks loose.  Sometimes, the squirrel is surprised.

Oh I know you human-types are predisposed to shower affection on creatures that are big eyed and fuzzy.  You think squirrels are cute, what with their plume-like tails and their tiny human-like hands but let me tell you, rats have tiny human-like hands too.  Oh, but squirrels are sweet little tree-dwelling vegetarians that chatter sweetly at us from the treetops, you say? Well, I say they don’t chatter — they scold, and they love nothing better than getting their tiny human-like hands on snacks like birds eggs, baby birds, and any carrion they find rotting on the ground.

A rat by any other name would still chatter as sweet.

My distain for squirrels doesn’t end there either.  The thing about them that really drives me, well, squirrely, is their annoying ability to straddle the border of the wild and the domesticated. They suffer none of the restrictions placed on us pets; they breed at will, poop where they want, and never come when they are called, yet they still find their sustenance thanks to the kindness of man.  What with the advent and popularity of the bird feeder, it is a never-ending smorg of sunflower seeds and millet for these decidedly unbird-like parasites.

Well, truth be told, not all of them are unbird-like.  There are several flying squirrels that come to the feeder at night.  Their gift of flight just another reason for a dog to feel under privileged and resentful.

There is an old adage however, that says every dog will have his day.  Well mine was about a week ago.  I was laying out in the sun trying to be a good dog and ignore the squirrel that was scampering about the feeder, when I noticed the little blighter had lifted the top of one of the containers and climbed right inside.  Like a miser rolling in his riches, he burrowed into the seeds and then tossed them into the air in a decadent show of wealth.

It was more than I could take. The wolf broke lose.  Storming the feeder I jumped up and hit it with all my weight.  This in turn caused the lid of the feeder in which the squirrel had been cavorting, to drop back in place, trapping the vermin inside.

It was there that my human found him several hours later, still drumming his little human-like hands on the glass of the feeder, demanding to be set free. And after he was, did he lick the man or even wag his tail in thanks?  Nope, straight up the nearest tree to scold a yellow dog for his ingenuity.

Word processing by Dan MIlls

Just Posted

A tent housing a mobile vaccination clinic. (Interior Health/Contributed)
Over 5K jabbed at Interior Health mobile COVID-19 vaccine clinics

The clinics have made stops in more than 40 communities since launching last week

Provincial Health Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry talks about B.C.’s plan to restart the province during a press conference at Legislature in Victoria, Tuesday, May 25, 2021. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Chad Hipolito
Interior Health COVID-19 cases falling slower than the rest of B.C.

More than a third of provincial cases announced Thursday came from the Interior

Students at Creston Valley Secondary School put together an art installation of a replica residential school room. (Photo by Kelsey Yates)
Creston students create art installation of residential school room

The replica was decorated with a small bed, school uniform, and notes written with pleas for help

A tent housing a mobile vaccination clinic. (Interior Health/Contributed)
Second dose vaccinations accelerating throughout region: Interior Health

To date, more than 675,000 doses have been administered throughout the region

It happened this week in 1914

June 13 - 19: Compiled by Dave Humphrey from the archived newspapers… Continue reading

Cranbrook Arts has opened the doors of their  new gallery space to the public with their inaugural exhibit, Kootenay’s Best.
‘Kootenay’s Best’ opens Cranbrook Arts’ new gallery

This exhibit has been in the works for the past several months and features the work of more than 50 emerging and established artists from across the Kootenays

FILE – Most lanes remain closed at the Peace Arch border crossing into the U.S. from Canada, where the shared border has been closed for nonessential travel in an effort to prevent the spread of the coronavirus, Thursday, May 7, 2020, in Blaine, Wash. The restrictions at the border took effect March 21, while allowing trade and other travel deemed essential to continue. (AP Photo/Elaine Thompson)
Feds to issue update on border measures for fully vaccinated Canadians, permanent residents

Border with U.S. to remain closed to most until at least July 21

A portion of the George Road wildfire burns near Lytton, B.C. in this Friday, June 18, 2021 handout photo. THE CANADIAN PRESS/HO, BC Wildfire Service *MANDATORY CREDIT*
Blaze near Lytton spread across steep terrain, says BC Wildfire Service

Fire began Wednesday and is suspected to be human-caused, but remains under investigation

Blair Lebsack, owner of RGE RD restaurant, poses for a portrait in the dining room, in Edmonton, Friday, June 18, 2021. Canadian restaurants are having to find ways to deal with the rising cost of food. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Jason Franson
Canadian restaurateurs grapple with rising food costs, menu prices expected to rise

Restaurants are a low margin industry, so there’s not a lot of room to work in additional costs

RCMP crest. (Black Press Media files)
Fort St. John man arrested after allegedly inviting sexual touching from children

Two children reported the incident to a trusted adult right away

Barbara Violo, pharmacist and owner of The Junction Chemist Pharmacy, draws up a dose behind vials of both Pfizer-BioNTech and Oxford-AstraZeneca COVID-19 vaccines on the counter, in Toronto, Friday, June 18, 2021. An independent vaccine tracker website founded by a University of Saskatchewan student says just over 20 per cent of eligible Canadians — those 12 years old and above — are now fully vaccinated. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Nathan Denette
At least 20% of eligible Canadians fully vaccinated, 75% with one dose: data

Earlier projections for reopening at this milestone didn’t include Delta variant

This undated file photo provided by Ernie Carswell & Partners shows the home featured in the opening and closing scenes of The Brady Bunch in Los Angeles. Do you know the occupation of Mike Brady, the father in this show about a blended family? (Anthony Barcelo/Ernie Carswell & Partners via AP, File)
QUIZ: A celebration of dad on Father’s Day

How much do you know about famous fathers?

Emily Steele holds up a collage of her son, 16-year-old Elijah-Iain Beauregard who was stabbed and killed in June 2019, outside of Kelowna Law Courts on June 18. (Aaron Hemens/Capital News)
Kelowna woman who fatally stabbed teen facing up to 1.5 years of jail time

Her jail sentence would be followed by an additional one to 1.5 years of supervision

Most Read