Now see here, Kimberley! Your plan to alter the highway sign at the Wasa junction to your benefit is just not cricket. Nosirree!
The sign, which has been there since before the dawn of time, is a perfectly fine example of the species. It says “Kimberley this way, Wasa this way, Cranbrook this way, Fernie this way.”
But oh no! You now insist on having your fair share of the sign read “Kimberley AND Cranbrook this way” — at the top of the sign, Kimberley, at the top of the sign!
Kimberley, you’re just going to confuse all those “non-valley” motorists, who you claim have no idea that there are two ways to Cranbrook — one through Kimberley. Perhaps that is your base intention. All those hapless tourists motoring down from Hinton, Alberta, looking to get to Cranbrook as soon as possible? They’ll see your “sign” and they’ll get confused and they’ll turn onto the perilous goat track that is your Highway 95A and before they know it they’ll be in Kimberley!
Sure, it’s “on the way” to Cranbrook, but you will divert them into the lobster trap that is your Platzl, or the Isle of the Lotus Eaters that is your ski hill, or your thrice-cursed Nature Park, and then, and then, and then WHEN are they going to get to Cranbrook? And how much money are those Hinton tourists going to have left in their pockets, Kimberley? How much money! (!!) (?)!
Those are our tourist dollars, Kimberley! Those Hinton motorists packed their pockets with good Alberta money to spend in Cranbrook , and they were driving here as fast as they could to spend it in Cranbrook, to boost our economy, maybe save it!
But you’re planning to pick their pockets clean before they get here! You’re stringing up a big gill net upstream of our fishery. OUR fishery, Kimberley! And we’re not going to stand for it! Cease and desist, we say!
What’s that? You will not Cease and Desist? You will continue to play your sign game? Fine! Two can play at it! Do you know what we’ll do? This!
You know that sign outside of our town that says “Hey, if you want to go to Kimberley and don’t want to go through Cranbrook AT ALL, turn this way — you get to see our beautiful sewage ponds either way”? We’re going to take that sign down, and replace it with one that says “To get to Kimberley, drive through Cranbrook, drive to Creston, turn north towards Crawford Bay, turn east at Gray Creek, and take the Gray Creek Pass. Kimberley — Six Hours!”
That’s right! And then we’ll put up a big billboard that says “To Break Up The Monotony Of Your Six Hour Trip To Kimberley, Stay And Play In Cranbrook!” And then we’ll funnel them into the lobster trap that is our — you get the picture, Kimberley?
You may be holding our Hinton, Alberta, tourists as hostage, but we’ll be using your Taber, Alberta, tourists as our human shield.
What’s that you say? The original sign has been that way for so long because of the “longstanding Kimberley/Cranbrook rivalry?” (You mean the “Cranbrook/Kimberley rivalry”!)
Well, that’s so like you to say that! Rivalry indeed. What hogwash! That’s just something you came up with because you Kimberlarians are slighter and less strapping than us manly Cranbrecians, because your mothers were not educated and ours were, and because your natural station in life is to tend to our flocks of backyard chickens, if we can ever afford to get any!
So, Kimberley, stop your crazy scheme before this nuclear situation escalates. It will be your fault if it does! We’re just protecting our legitimate sign interests!
Barry Coulter is Editor of the Cranbrecian Daily Townsman