Yet another horrorscope

The stars threw down their spears, and water'd heaven with their tears.

“No animal was hurt in any way during the production of this masterpiece.” Me.

“Forgive me my nonsense as I also for give those that think they talk sense.” Robert Frost

Peter Warland

One thing that appears to be missing from many newspapers these days are the horoscopes that we all used to peruse daily, and rearrange out lives accordingly. They are (or were) such interesting phenomena that seem to be disappearing. Are there no more seers, sages or sundry other crack-pots in the world?

My old Aunt Agatha swore by horoscopes. When I was still a callow youth she used to read them to me as if she were quoting from the Bible. Auntie Ag could give a sound reason why any fruitcake forecast could be coming true. Sometimes, I am embarrassed to admit, that I used to laugh out loud at the stuff she believed.

But then, I am such an ignoramus. One day, years later, I visited Aunt Agatha on the occasion of her 100th birthday; she greeting me with enthusiasm. She had apparently read that she would be visited by a stranger bearing gifts. She grinned at me with delight, took the gift and asked, “And who are you, young man?”

Anyway, let’s get on with it. To satisfy those of you who, having nothing better to do, are insane enough to want to know what the future holds (besides death and taxes, that is) here are my thoughts. Don’t do anything rash. I might actually be wrong.

TODAY is fraught with all kinds of stuff.

CAPRICORN December 22 – January 20 Life is a pain: anyone who tells you anything different is selling something.

AQUARIUS  January 20 – February 18. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is possible that, as usual, you haven’t grasped the seriousness of the situation.

PISCES February 18 – March 20. You may think that you are a lightning rod but, unless there’s lightning, nothing is going to happen.

ARIES March 21 – April 20. You wander through life stirring up apathy.

TAURUS April 20 – May 21. Procrastination is like a credit card; it’s a lot of fun until you get the bill. Life isn’t always like a beer commercial.

GEMINI May 21 – June 21. Do you get the feeling that your life is just like that of an ice-cream cone fallen in the dust? Life is a pain; get used to it.

CANCER June 21 – July 23. Any idea of yours not coupled with sensible action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it once occupied.

LEO July 23 – August 23. The trick is to get back to normal as fast as you can, whatever your extremely weird normal might have been.

VIRGO August 23 – September 23. If you are married to or living in sin with another Virgo, watch your back, and if you have a joint bank account, go check it frequently. Virgos are not trustworthy.

LIBRA September 23 – October 23. You have accumulated a vast wealth of experience but probably forgotten what it is. Remember, experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

SCORPIO October 23 – November 22. You are not perfect, despite the opinions of some; you are merely interesting. Love your enemies; it will drive them nuts.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 22. The world is your oyster but it’s probably infested with red tide. Tough luck! Tomorrow will be the first day of the end of your life.

PISCES February 18 – March 20. You are probably just like a weed, a flower whose virtues haven’t yet been discovered. Get going on something.

IF YOU WERE BORN TODAY: Who is reading this to you? Do you understand? Why are you not sleeping, screaming or barfing up as any normal new-born would be doing?

IN GENERAL: 2015 is going to be like any other year. In Canada there will probably be a whole bunch of women running around in coloured shirts doing something or other and masses of politicians trotting around wondering what the hell is going on. Enjoy it anyway.