Now folks, everyone knows that the balder a man is, the better looking he is. The more a hairline recedes, the more handsome he gets, until finally he is so bald he becomes almost impossibly handsome.
Men plan on going bald at an early age — a rite of passage into manhood, like when we had to go out and kill a sabre-tooth tiger with our bare hands to become handsome adult men in the eyes of our tribes. We stare at our hairbrushes anxiously when we’re 16, saying to ourselves “shouldn’t this hairbrush be more full of loose hairs?”
But as the hair begins to fall out, and the shiny pate — the chrome dome — begins to emerge from under that mat of adolescent hair, a man stands up straighter. He sticks out his chin. He looks around at the world, masterfully.
That’s right, a man also gets more confident the balder he gets, as well as better looking. Until finally one day he says to himself “it’s time to start growing that ’skullet!’” Or he starts thinking of a tattoo of batwings on the back of his skull, a world-conquering image and real conversation starter — if he wants the conversation to be about himself. Which of course he does.
What a blow it was, then, this week, when Prince William of the House of Windsor was declared the sexiest bald man alive today. “What,” we all shouted when we heard this news. “Stanley Tucci didn’t die, did he!”
This news comes upon the release of the results of a “survey” conducted by the cosmetic surgery company Longevita. So now, everybody in the world is pondering whether or not to accept this verdict, that Prince William is the world’s sexiest bald man.
I don’t care if you are the staunchest pro-monarchist in Canada: “Sexy” and the “House of Windsor” said in the same sentence is an oxymoron — two things put together that don’t make any sense. Even if you weren’t referring to a member of the House of Windsor when you said “sexy,” if you’re saying those two things in a sentence, it’s still an oxymoron.
(As an aside, we can all agree that there is only one good looking member of the House of Windsor, however you may feel about him, and that is Harry).
I mean, seriously — put a photo of Prince William watching the flyover from the palace balcony beside a screen shot of Jason Statham in any Guy Ritchie movie. Really — the sexiest bald man alive? Jason Statham didn’t die too, did he? No, he did not! Did Vin Diesel or Bruce Willis die? No, they did not; they are alive and kicking and doing things in the community.
It may seem hard for you hirsute ones to believe, but this news has shaken the unshakeable confidence of the vast tribe of bald men. The reason for our dismay is plain — Prince William is the only member of the bald-headed race whose baldness did NOT make him better looking! No offence meant, Highness.
So how can this be? How did it happen? Surely we’re not mistaken in our unmistakeable belief that baldness makes us good-looking beyond all rationality?
The Guardian columnist Arwa Mahdawi reports that the survey that produced this startling news of Prince William was run by a “medical tourism facilitator that connects people in the UK with hair transplant surgeons in Turkey.” Mahdawi adds that creating “dubious surveys to generate headline-friendly results” is nothing new, and she has coined the term “Advertistics” to describe this practice.
So that’s how that happened. And then, of course, the crazed British tabloid press picks up the story, and boom! It’s all over the news that Prince William of the House of Windsor is the sexiest bald man alive. Even sexier than the lead singer from Midnight Oil.
Perhaps it’s all those medals on the uniform that make him so sexy. Or the power of life and death the British monarch has over his millions of subjects. Or perhaps the crazed British tabloid press has it so out for Harry and Meghan that they’re promoting William’s sexiness as a way to keep him “on their side.”
That must be it. Just another dubious newspaper stunt. Stand easy, bald-headed men, and keep that swagger in your step.
And follow Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson’s lead, and call for a recount!