Pedro faces down facebook

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of sheer insanity, I endeavoured to get myself on to Facebook and was immediately sorry.

Peter Warland

“Never try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” Quentin Crisp

Some time ago I heard some raving idiot on TV say that he was working on a computer program that could tell the user if he or she were under stress.

Well, somehow or other that program has appeared on my home computer, which now tells me if I am stressed then immediately acts up the way it is acting right now.

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of sheer insanity, I endeavoured to get myself on to Facebook and was immediately sorry — what a fiasco!

As if I were writing an examination, I carefully answered the questions fired at me. As there are at least two other Peter Warlands out there in the ether, I cheated and invented another first name: Pedro.

I did give an honest e-mail address and then attempted to conjure up a password. The folk or machinery behind Facebook apparently didn’t like or understand any of my choices. It was like talking to a stump, as far as I could see, but without the sensible replies a person should get from an affable stump.

I decided to give up the whole stupid idea and go and do something sensible like wash the dishes. I was being offended rather than “friended” and so signed off, I think. Modelling themselves on ex-president Harry S. Truman, the folk at Facebook were following what I believe is their personal motto: if you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Anyway, I’d been assured that there are all sorts of fascinating things that a person can find out about folk on Facebook but, let’s face it, I don’t want to clutter up my mind with such trivialities.

I should have done the washing up, but I was snared, hook, line and sinker. Facebook came back at me the next time I went online. It asked me 1) for my password then, if I’d forgotten it, to 2) make one up. I threw up my hands (which is hard to do when you’re typing) in disgust and deleted the message.

This nonsense went on for days. I e-mailed my daughter for sympathy and help but, despite her reassuring reply (which unfortunately contained technical terms like ‘download’ and thus confused me), I received 10 copies of my son’s message welcoming me to Facebook, two from old friends overseas and one from each grand-daughter. I was being friended and I didn’t like it. As Oscar Wilde said, “A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.”

Then all sorts of strangers decided to ‘friend’ me, but I had no wish to talk to them. I had no desire to announce that I had moved my bowels that very day nor that my 13-year-old cat had finally given up the ghost, and that I am due soon for a lobotomy. I don’t wish to broadcast my (boring) everyday activities or read of other people’s even more tedious lives.

Years ago an editor gave me the title “curmudgeon” (gruff, irritable person, especially an elderly man) but, for a curmudgeon to indulge in the drivel on Facebook, would cause him to lose Face.

Nephews in Ontario greeted me next but, apparently because I hadn’t as yet sorted out my password, I couldn’t tell them to “buzz off,” or more suitable words to that effect.

Anyway, I was building up a head of steam, ready to pounce on anyone making a consoling or disparaging comment to me, when my son arrived and, in a few moments, managed to free me of the menace. Embarrassed, he then had to shrug off my tears of gratitude but, even now, I keep getting bleating little protests from the faceless folk at Facebook. Like naughty children pleading their innocence they cry, “Why have you forsaken us? What is it that we have done to offend you?”

Let’s face it, as far as I’m concerned, they can go up to their rooms or consoles or whatever and sulk ad nauseam.

Pedro Warland lives in Cranbrook

Just Posted

The latest EKASS survey confirms a steady decline in substance use among EK youth over the years. (image compilation via Pixabay)
Latest survey shows steady decline in adolescent substance use over the years

Starting in 2002, the survey has been conducted every two years to monitor changes in substance use patterns, attitudes and behaviors amongst East Kootenay youth.

The Aquatic Centre at Western Financial Place.
Cranbrook Aquatic Center to close temporarily

The annual shutdown of the Aquatic Center at Western Financial Place will begin earlier than scheduled this year and does not have a defined end date at this time.

Residents line up outside the Vernon Recreation Complex for their COVID-19 vaccine Saturday, June 5. (Jennifer Smith - Morning Star)
No appointments necessary for first dose COVID-19 vaccine: Interior Health

People can just show up at clinics, register on the spot and get the shot

It happened this week in 1914

June 6 -12: Compiled by Dave Humphrey from the archived newspapers held at the Cranbrook History Centre and Archives

Provincial Health Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry on Thursday, June 10, mentioned Grand Forks among two other COVID “hot spots” in B.C. Photo: Screenshot - YouTube COVID-19 BC Update, June 10, 2021
PHO Henry says West Kootenay city is a COVID ‘hot spot’ in B.C.

There are 11 cases of COVID-19 in the Grand Forks local health area, according the BC CDC

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau participates in a plenary session at the G7 Summit in Carbis Bay, England on Friday June 11, 2021. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Adrian Wyld
Canada donating 13M surplus COVID-19 vaccine doses to poor countries

Trudeau says the government will pay for 87 million shots to be distributed to poor countries

Premier John Horgan speaks as provincial health officer Dr. Bonnie Henry, right, and health minister Adrian Dix look on during a press conference to update on the province’s fall pandemic preparedness plan during a press conference from the press theatre at Legislature in Victoria, Wednesday, Sept. 9, 2020. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Chad Hipolito
B.C. officials to provide details on Step 2 of COVID reopening plan Monday

Step 2 could allow for larger gatherings and a resumption of recreational travel

Indigenous Services Minister Marc Miller is seen during a news conference, Wednesday May 19, 2021 in Ottawa. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Adrian Wyld
Indigenous child-welfare battle heads to court despite calls for Ottawa to drop cases

Feds are poised to argue against two Canadian Human Rights Tribunal rulings

The Great Ogopogo Bathtub Race has been held in Summerland as a fundraising event. Do you know which Canadian city introduced this sport? (Black Press file photo)
QUIZ: A summer’s day at the water

How much do you know about boats, lakes and water?

Two-year-old Ivy McLeod laughs while playing with Lucky the puppy outside their Chilliwack home on Thursday, June 10, 2021. (Jenna Hauck/ Chilliwack Progress)
VIDEO: B.C. family finds ‘perfect’ puppy with limb difference for 2-year-old Ivy

Ivy has special bond with Lucky the puppy who was also born with limb difference

A million-dollar ticket was sold to an individual in Vernon from the Lotto Max draw Friday, June 11, 2021. (Photo courtesy of BCLC)
Lottery ticket worth $1 million sold in Vernon

One lucky individual holds one of 20 tickets worth $1 million from Friday’s Lotto Max draw

“65 years, I’ve carried the stories in my mind and live it every day,” says Jack Kruger. (Athena Bonneau)
‘Maybe this time they will listen’: Survivor shares stories from B.C. residential school

Jack Kruger, living in Syilx territory, wasn’t surprised by news of 215 children’s remains found on the grounds of the former Kamloops Indian Residential School

A logging truck carries its load down the Elaho Valley near in Squamish, B.C. in this file photo. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Chuck Stoody
Squamish Nation calls for old-growth logging moratorium in its territory

The nation says 44% of old-growth forests in its 6,900-square kilometre territory are protected while the rest remain at risk

Most Read