Pedro faces down facebook

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of sheer insanity, I endeavoured to get myself on to Facebook and was immediately sorry.

Peter Warland

“Never try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” Quentin Crisp

Some time ago I heard some raving idiot on TV say that he was working on a computer program that could tell the user if he or she were under stress.

Well, somehow or other that program has appeared on my home computer, which now tells me if I am stressed then immediately acts up the way it is acting right now.

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of sheer insanity, I endeavoured to get myself on to Facebook and was immediately sorry — what a fiasco!

As if I were writing an examination, I carefully answered the questions fired at me. As there are at least two other Peter Warlands out there in the ether, I cheated and invented another first name: Pedro.

I did give an honest e-mail address and then attempted to conjure up a password. The folk or machinery behind Facebook apparently didn’t like or understand any of my choices. It was like talking to a stump, as far as I could see, but without the sensible replies a person should get from an affable stump.

I decided to give up the whole stupid idea and go and do something sensible like wash the dishes. I was being offended rather than “friended” and so signed off, I think. Modelling themselves on ex-president Harry S. Truman, the folk at Facebook were following what I believe is their personal motto: if you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Anyway, I’d been assured that there are all sorts of fascinating things that a person can find out about folk on Facebook but, let’s face it, I don’t want to clutter up my mind with such trivialities.

I should have done the washing up, but I was snared, hook, line and sinker. Facebook came back at me the next time I went online. It asked me 1) for my password then, if I’d forgotten it, to 2) make one up. I threw up my hands (which is hard to do when you’re typing) in disgust and deleted the message.

This nonsense went on for days. I e-mailed my daughter for sympathy and help but, despite her reassuring reply (which unfortunately contained technical terms like ‘download’ and thus confused me), I received 10 copies of my son’s message welcoming me to Facebook, two from old friends overseas and one from each grand-daughter. I was being friended and I didn’t like it. As Oscar Wilde said, “A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.”

Then all sorts of strangers decided to ‘friend’ me, but I had no wish to talk to them. I had no desire to announce that I had moved my bowels that very day nor that my 13-year-old cat had finally given up the ghost, and that I am due soon for a lobotomy. I don’t wish to broadcast my (boring) everyday activities or read of other people’s even more tedious lives.

Years ago an editor gave me the title “curmudgeon” (gruff, irritable person, especially an elderly man) but, for a curmudgeon to indulge in the drivel on Facebook, would cause him to lose Face.

Nephews in Ontario greeted me next but, apparently because I hadn’t as yet sorted out my password, I couldn’t tell them to “buzz off,” or more suitable words to that effect.

Anyway, I was building up a head of steam, ready to pounce on anyone making a consoling or disparaging comment to me, when my son arrived and, in a few moments, managed to free me of the menace. Embarrassed, he then had to shrug off my tears of gratitude but, even now, I keep getting bleating little protests from the faceless folk at Facebook. Like naughty children pleading their innocence they cry, “Why have you forsaken us? What is it that we have done to offend you?”

Let’s face it, as far as I’m concerned, they can go up to their rooms or consoles or whatever and sulk ad nauseam.

Pedro Warland lives in Cranbrook

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

VICTORIA, CANADA - MARCH 25: BC Ambulance Services stock photography session March 25, 2013 in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.  (Photo by Jeff Vinnick Images)
Paramedics responding to increased volume of overdose calls

Data released by BC Emergency Health Services shows a rising provincial trend of overdose responses

Mount Baker Secondary School in Cranbrook.
SD5 to look at future of Mount Baker Secondary School

Board of Education approves funding for study of MBSS replacement or major renovations

Location of proposed homeless shelter.
Public hearing set for property featuring proposed homeless shelter

Public hearing set after presentations from BC Housing, city staff on shelter proposal, homelessness in town

Amanda Parsons, a registered nurse on staff at the Northwood Care facility, administers a dose of the Moderna vaccine to Ann Hicks, 77, in Halifax on Monday, Jan. 11, 2021. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Andrew Vaughan-Pool
61 new COVID-19 cases, two more deaths in Interior Health

Twenty-nine people are in hospital, seven of whom are in intensive care

The Cranbrook Food Bank Society is the recipient of a $250,000 BC gaming grant, earmarked for its new facility under construction on Industrial Road 2. The current downtown facility is pictured here.
Cranbrook Food Bank gets $250,000 gaming grant

Food Bank’s new facility, currently under construction, identified as project of pressing need

A woman writes a message on a memorial mural wall by street artist James “Smokey Devil” Hardy during a memorial to remember victims of illicit drug overdose deaths on International Overdose Awareness Day, in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver, on Monday, August 31, 2020. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Darryl Dyck
B.C. paramedics respond to record-breaking number of overdose calls in 2020

On the front lines, COVID-19 has not only led to more calls, but increased the complexity

(Black Press Media files)
Transport Canada not budging on enclosed deck rules, despite calls from BC Ferries union

There have been at least 23 cases of the U.K. variant detected in Canada, four of which are in B.C.

Throughout December, RCMP conducted CounterAttack road checks as police worked to keep roads free of impaired drivers. (BLACK PRESS file photo)
From the “You can’t make this stuff up” file – stories from the BC CounterAttack campaign

Amusing, yes, but a reminder impaired driving affects ability to drive and to make good decisions

(Thesendboys/Instagram)
Video of man doing backflip off Vancouver bridge draws police condemnation

Group says in Instagram story that they ‘don’t do it for the clout’

Inspection of bridge crossing on a B.C. forest service road. (B.C. Forest Practices Board)
B.C. falling behind in maintenance of forest service roads

Auditor finds nearly half of bridges overdue for repair

(Black Press Media files)
Woman steals bottles of wine after brandishing stun baton in New Westminster

Police say the female suspect was wearing a beige trench coat with fur lining

Cannabis bought in British Columbia (Ashley Wadhwani/Black Press Media)
Is it time to start thinking about greener ways to package cannabis?

Packaging suppliers are still figuring eco-friendly and affordable packaging options that fit the mandates of Cannabis Regulations

Join Black Press Media and Do Some Good
Join Black Press Media and Do Some Good

Pay it Forward program supports local businesses in their community giving

Stand up paddleboarder Christie Jamieson is humbled to her knees as a pod of transient orcas put on a dramatic show on Jan. 19 in the Ucluelet Harbour. (Nora O’Malley photo)
UPDATED WITH VIDEO: Vancouver Island paddle boarder surrounded by pod of orcas

“My whole body is still shaking. I don’t even know what to do with this energy.”

Most Read