"I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes." Philip Dusenberry
Peter Warland
Each morning I switch on the TV and go to the CBC news. I don't know why I bother. It's all going to be commercials, the same ones, over and over again, ad nauseam. Oh! They might sneak in a snippet of actual news, especially if it's a new world war or a couple of lads climbing a monstrous transmission tower but, by and large it's the same old same old and I am sick and tired of it all.
I mean, it's not as if the commercials are interesting or funny like those ones where the little old lady is demanding "Where's the beef?" or that silly one of a guy opening a big set of doors and being avalanched on by a million soccer balls, or the housewife trotting towards the family car outside Ikea and yelling to her husband to "Start the car!" as if she's robbed the place. They were fun, even if the very thought of visiting stores like Ikea again turns my stomach.
Come to think of it, I am convinced that TV commercials have never persuaded me to buy any of the advertised products. Probably they have turned me against such things.
It is quite likely that I refuse to watch any program that includes commercials because I do not want to be put off all those marvellous products. I mean, if I were to become entranced by the idea of a new Ford, or life insurance, or a reverse mortgage on my house, or visiting a water park in Toronto, or even trying out one of those new much cheaper flights that turn out not to be so cheap, I know from experience, I am going to be disappointed.
So why suffer the indignities of those commercials? I ask myself. Either stay with PBS or Knowledge Network if I don't mind staying up late or if I am willing to record some shows and watch them later.
Some of my more stoic friends watch commercial TV and explain that, when commercials come on, they make a cup of tea, and so I wonder how much tea they can drink. The other morning I switched on CBC news, watched one news item then, when the same old, same old commercials butted in, I went downstairs to my commuter, checked the e-mails, answered a couple, used the bathroom, watered my tomatoes and was back upstairs in time to see someone trying to sell me life insurance. I don't think I missed one crucial news item.
Some channels like CBC advertise the exciting programs that they are soon going to show but, no matter how intriguing they might sound, there is still the niggling thought that no matter how interesting shows might turn out to be, they will be bloated with commercials, the same familiar ones, over and over again.
I tried CBC News again this morning; I am after all, a glutton for punishment and now I shall have to save money on a No Medical Life Insurance although I am probably too old, but you never know, do you? I must get on the phone and have Alarm Force installed immediately, go downtown and make a deal on a Jeep because only that vehicle will dominate the landscape, stop by A and W for a burger lunch then trot off and purchase either Liv Relief or a Revitive Circulation Booster for my aching joints and then, once home, make a decision about cleaning my windows with Windex or leaving them dirty so the crows can see them.
However, I'm not sure whether I should bother the kids with my decision this morning to go for a Chip Reverse Mortgage so that I'll have the ready cash for all these purchases. Maybe I shouldn't worry them as I intend to cut my lawns today and I note that this very morning an enthusiast was struck by lightning whilst enduring that chore.