The case of the clandestine Kringle

Who is the mysterious Man in the Red Suit and what are his intentions?

Santa Claus.

Also known as St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Pere Noel, Father Christmas along with various other monikers.

Do you know what I call someone with many names?


Yes, the legend of Santa Claus has only grown since his identity became mainstream in the 19th century, thanks to Clement Clarke Moore, who wrote his investigative report in the form of a poem titled ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’.

Despite this, there isn’t much concrete information about the man himself.

Legend has it that he has Dutch origins, and lives in the North Pole, where an army of elves assemble toys year-round to keep up with the ever-growing demand.

After a year’s labour, he packs up a sleigh, pulled by eight reindeer, and travels the world in one night, stopping in at houses with occupants who have been identified on a list as being either naughty or nice.

There are a couple things that people should be concerned about, and I’ll start with the privacy issues.

First off, this list of who is naughty and who is nice is very suspicious. The fact that he can make that determination proves he has some surveillance network in place to allow for that kind of judgement.

If I had to guess, I’d say that Kringle’s got some kind of backdoor agreement with Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites and likely has some deal setup with various telecom companies to monitor phone calls, texts and emails.

Only government agencies like the NSA or the CIA should have access to that kind of information in order to fight the good fight.

Once Santa gathers all this personal information, he puts people on a list, and separates them based on a subjective judgement of either being naughty or nice.

C’mon Kringle. What is that criteria? No one knows for sure and—to my knowledge—there’s no way to appeal any final decision he makes.

After a year’s preparation, he begins his campaign of gift-giving by appearing in public places for photo ops with families. No one has figured out how he manages to be in seemingly dozens of places at the same time.

On Christmas Eve, he loads up his sleigh and takes off into the night, guided by his eight reindeer, which seem to have a flight capability better than a CF-18.

As modern technology advanced throughout the 20th century, we now have the capability of tracking Santa on radar, which is monitored through North American Aerospace Defence Command (NORAD) at CFB Winnipeg.

I can only imagine the conversation between military members when Santa set off the radar for the first time in the late 1950s.

Officer 1: “Uh, we got a bogey coming in from the north polar region.”

Officer 2: “Is it a Soviet ICBM?”

Officer 1: “Can’t tell. Scramble the jets and call the Americans.”

As an aside, Santa’s favourite colour is red, so it’s understandable why people may associate him with the former Communist regime.

Anyways, once he’s evaded the latest military defence networks, he begins his epic run of delivering presents to households across North America and the rest of the world.

And mark my words, this guy is a pro.

He’s gained entry into so many households that breaking and entering is second nature to him. No lock is too complex for him, nor will lighting a fire prevent him from coming down a chimney. In addition to breaking and entering, I heard a dark rumour that his reindeer once ran over someone’s grandma.

This kind of criminal activity can’t be allowed to stand.

He was caught once and put up on trial in New York in 1947, but beat the charges due to a large amount of public support for his activities.

I suggest that it should be law enforcement’s highest priority to catch him again so we can truly understand the motives behind The Man in the Red Suit.

And in this endeavour, the public can help—especially the young kids.

Santa has a personal weakness that he can’t overcome, and that is milk and cookies.

That’s right kids, you can do your part by leaving some milk and cookies by the Christmas tree and there’s a very good chance Santa will come by. You’ll have to do your best to stay up all night to watch out for him. If you have a sibling, it’s a good idea to take shifts. Parents, keep a close eye on the little ones and have a phone ready to call 911.

However, I’m not convinced that will be enough to catch Father Christmas. This guy has been at it for too long and knows what he’s doing.