God save the carriers

The ancient art of newspaper delivery is something to be treasured

Gentle readers, we must remember to use our powers for good, as well as for evil — wait! That’s not what I meant. Let me start again …

Dear readers, it’s not the carriers’ fault, it’s MY fault … no, stop, forget I said that! Let me start again …

Respected and courteous readers of the Townsman/Bulletin, the following is full disclosure:

Over the past two months, remarkable physical changes have been taking place at our shop on Cranbrook Street North. Some of you may have even noticed. Men with other-worldly tools have been literally taking our building apart and putting it back together again.

Part of this immense transformation may have to do with either the installation of a new press, or the construction of a craft which will carry us all to the stars ( I do not know which, they haven’t told me yet). If it’s the former, then the Townsman will soon be the centre of a truly impressive printing operation with expanded capabilities. If it’s the latter, then when our planet finally begins to implode, come on down to the Townsman and hop on board for that voyage to the new better world.

Exciting news, regardless. But that’s not all. We are also streamlining certain aspects of our business to increase our economic footprint in the community, make our business stronger and our services more efficient. Some of this involves a new automated flyer system and extended run for our Thursday paper.

This has been our autumn so far, and it has been in the planning stages for quite some time. But alas, there are always those variables which pop up unexpectedly and prevent a complicated transition from proceeding as smoothly as we had hoped. Machines may break down, trucks may be late, I may get stuck in that electro-magnetic cocoon they make me stand in for two hours every day, to make me smarter and better looking.

The long and short of it is, our Thursday paper, which everyone looks forward to, has come to your door later than you would like, due to those various extenuating circumstances. Rest assured that this is a temporary state of affairs. We are working like ants to get things running as smoothly as possible, and in the meantime, I personally humbly apologize for any inconvenience. May I be struck by lightning, etc.

However, we also humbly request that you please be kind to your carrier when he or she shows up at the door with your paper. It’s not the carriers’ fault. The carrier has been waiting anxiously for those bundles of papers to arrive, so he or she can hit the pavement and take them straight to your door. Your carrier is doing the best he or she can. Please don’t abuse the carrier at your door when he or she arrives. That abuse is for me to take. If you make an appointment, I can show up at your door, and — wait, forget I said that.

God save the carriers, for without them we are nothing. If getting the paper out everyday was like the invasion of Normandy, like D-Day, then the carriers would be like the seasick soldiers in the landing craft who — wait, that’s not a good analogy, forget I said that.

Though the carriers get their directives from us, they are out there to serve you to the best of their ability. Be kind, gentle reader, not angry. While we are busy building our starship and transforming ourselves into an economic juggernaut, the carriers are still pounding the pavement, braving the weather, like carriers have done for 150 years. Be glad to see them.